There are days when I love my body. There are days when I wake up, feel a flat tummy and am grateful for it after carrying two babies. Then, there are my self-loathe days…the days when I feel fat and flabby...the days when I hate myself for not being perfect…when I obsess over the extra piece of chocolate or that extra glass of wine that I had the previous night.
Today, my question is this: How can I find that fine line between self-love and the drive to be the best that I can be?
Some days, I know that I will look back on this time in my life, at pictures of myself, and think, “Damn, I wish I had enjoyed that.” And then there are other days when I KNOW I can BE better, LOOK better and PERFORM better. And I want it! I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. I want to be the best….look the best…feel the best.
So which is it? How do I choose between self-love and the drive to be the best?
My journey began a few months ago when I lost 13 pounds (by far, my lowest weight ever) to compete in a powerlifting competition. I was only eating 1,000 calories per day (probably half of what my body was burning) and exercising daily. In addition, I was walking for hours a day to keep my metabolism high without putting undue stress on my body. I was extreme. I knew it wasn’t something that I could maintain but I enjoyed the fruits of my labors. Until….people started making comments. “You look fabulous.” “You look sooo good.” Believe it or not, I started to get offended. What was wrong with the way I looked before? At 135 pounds, I was wearing a size 4 and had only 19% body fat. How is it that I look FABULOUS now, but I didn’t then? Instead of getting flattered, I got offended. I knew that my lifestyle was extreme which meant that when my lifestyle was NOT extreme, I would NOT look fabulous. Bummer.
Jump ahead to today. I am back in my 130s again. I still lead a somewhat extreme lifestyle in the sense that eat a mostly paleo diet and exercise every single day. I gave up diet cokes and week day alcohol as well as bread, pasta and potatoes. Yet, here I am in the 130s without a “fabulous” comment to be had. Do I like my body? I do. Do I get upset at myself for not being perfect and not maintaining the 125 lb. frame that I strive for? I do.
I hate complacency. I don’t ever want to become that woman that says, “It is what it is.” I want to be better. I want to be the best. But how do I balance that with self love and acceptance? How do I balance that with the desire to feel gratitude for my healthy body?
This is something that I work on and think about every day. I’ll let you know when I get there, in the meantime, don’t call me fabulous.
